So, it is 2.20am and I made the attempt of going to bed just before 2 and all of a sudden felt I needed to write something. At least I don't have to get up for anything specific tomorrow, though it worries me that this time next week I will need to be waking up in 3 and a half (or so) hours in order to get ready for school. I'm not sure if I am looking forward to going back. It irritates me that I can't fix my sleeping patterns, despite having tried. So, here's a variation of something I wrote 2 (ish) months ago on the MySpace blog and deleted 2 days later.
I'm starting to think that I, in many ways, preferred the person I was 2-3 years ago to the person I am now. Back then I knew exactly what I wanted, how to get it and had 100% confidence that I would get it. I had more confidence in myself and my abilities and couldn't care less for other peoples' perceptions of me (though, that part is still true, for the most part anyhow). I'd draw or paint something and show it to you and be like "ya' dig?".. Now I'd hesitate for a while and after over-thinking it, I would then think about it again and still probably not show you. Needless to say, I was probably the better artist then to what I am now. In many ways I wish I were the same person, but I am not. I still hold to the same things I wanted then, but question them now- perhaps the people around me are finally starting to get to me? I'm not even sure exactly what I want anymore and constantly wonder whether I'm wasting my time...And whilst I would like to believe that I do, fact is I don't have very much confidence in most aspects of myself anymore. Then again maybe it was easier to live in my head as opposed to the real world. Still, I kinda preferred that, and I miss that motivation and drive to succeed that I seem to have lost toward the end of my final year of High School... If anyone finds it, please mail it to me.
I'm starting to wonder whether I am physically and mentally capable of surviving another two years of school, and all the bullshit that comes with.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Mhmm I think I know what you're going through.
ReplyDeleteI liked it better when I was at high school because I could kid myself into believing what I wanted was easy to achieve and that I was going to get it. Now that my life is past the point at which I wanted things completed it's not so easy.